Poetry Forum

Fences Against

Swimming pools
must have fences—
eye-defeating and
unclimbable—
not to shield from
dry, hot adult envy
but from children’s greed
for new thrills,
invaded spaces
and Darwinian
self-extinction.

Hi duke.

Nicely done,
couple of suggestions.

reorder L3/4 as
unclimable, high
and eye-defeating.
('speaks' better this way, for me,
though some may find three 'i' sounds
a bit too much)
Cut L6, it's just in the way.
I think you could replace the last line
with 'natural selection' and leave
'self-extinction' implied
(make the reader do some work).

Best, Knot.

I actually like the use of 'self-extinction' as a great way to describe the way kids are. I really love those last four lines. I do agree with Knot that I'm not sure line 6 is doing you any favors. Not sure if it needs a rewrite or just needs to be cut.

Lovely work.

I'm rereading Greek Myths, and just realized where Deukalion has gone ... doh!

OK your poem - I can't help reading it as an allegory of Trump's Mexican Wall. I love the paradox of 'Darwinian self-extinction' when seen as the fate of humanity. Smile

Little point - 'of passers-by' rolls more easily from my tongue than 'of a passer-by'.

Thanks to all the critics. In response, all I've done is cut the former L6 as balance of the commenters suggested; same with retaining extinction, and "fences" at the end of L2 rather than elsewhere, for emphasis. Has the benefit of placing "envy" and "greed" near each other, too.

edit1;

Swimming pools
must have fences—
high, unclimbable
and eye-defeating—
not to shield from envy
but from children’s greed
for new territory
and Darwinian
self-extinction.

Too many words:

Hey, Duke. I've been watching this one, and I think the revision is moving in the right direction. It does surprise me to see you talking about Darwin given your Protestant leanings. Wink

(01-18-2018, 12:32 AM)dukealien Wrote: [ -> ]Fences Against

Swimming pools
must have fences—
high, unclimbable -- I think that unclimbable and high are saying the same thing
and eye-defeating— -- like this
not to shield from envy -- I think you need one more 'it's not this' item after this line -- you need a neither nor, and then you can move on to the 'this is what it is'
but from children’s greed
for new territory -- maybe another image, metaphor in here to bring the message home sensorily (which became a word just now)
and Darwinian
self-extinction.

Swimming pools
must have fences—
high, unclimbable
and eye-defeating—
not to shield from envy
of a passer-by,
but from children’s greed
for new territory
and Darwinian
self-extinction.

(01-18-2018, 12:32 AM)dukealien Wrote: [ -> ]Fences Against

Swimming pools
must have fences—
high, unclimbable
and eye-defeating—
not to shield from envy
but from children’s greed
for new territory
and Darwinian
self-extinction.

Swimming pools
must have fences—
high, unclimbable
and eye-defeating—
not to shield from envy
of a passer-by,
but from children’s greed
for new territory
and Darwinian
self-extinction.

This takes me somewhere, transports me and satisfies. I wonder if "daunting" might flow better than eye-defeating but thats a minor thing. Quite beautiful.

edit2;

Fences Against

Swimming pools
must have fences—
eye-defeating and
unclimbable—
not to shield from
dry, hot adult envy
but from children’s greed
for new thrills,
invaded spaces
and Darwinian
self-extinction.

Thanks to recent critics @Lizzie and @Rave. Applying @Lizzie's recommendations has added some words, hopefully to good effect.

Intriqued by @Rave's suggestion of "daunting" but couldn't quite make it fit. The fence is daunting (scary) for its height, but kids still might climb it if they could see the blue pool beyond. Depriving them of that attraction is the majority of the battle, though if it were too easy to climb they might still try it from curiosity and catch a glimpse.

dukealien

Knot

Hannah

just mercedes

dukealien

Lizzie

Rave

dukealien