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Lawrence

That's me.
yes,i remember Larry eh wasn't he a poet?Wink

Lawrence

Haha. Yeah, I'm him. Left for awhile :p
why the new name?

Lawrence

Eh. Dunno.

mrmod

You disappeared for a while, nice to have you back.

Was tempted to move this Undecided. Someone made the good choice already Smile.
i liked the Larry avatarSmile
i remember him. terrible poet Hysterical

hehe just kidding. i had an ide but wasn't sure. you're banned

just kidding again.

we don't care what name u use as long as u post poetry Big Grin

Lawrence

That's okay, I'll just ban myse-
I can stay? Awesome. The bastards on PFFF banned me Tongue.
what's PFFF,i could guess but that would land the thread in the sewer

Lawrence

Sorry, PFFA *

The PFFF is the Penis and Fisting Federation of France

To the Sewer!

Lawrence

Between you and me, I was the president.

I wanted to get footjob sessions organized, but this caused the committee to see me as too much of a radical.
a decent critique requires a minimum of 30 minutes to an hour to write,

the above is something i can't agree with.

which means if you want to crit 6 poems it has to take 3 hours?

i read a poem a few times. and then write a critique.
to spend 30 minutes to an hour over a six or eight line piece of poetry? are they for real.

how does one critique a poem they can't find anything wrong with, how does one spend an hour saying it a great piece of work?

lines blah and blah evoke blah and blah while the second four lines are blah and blah.

anyway. now you've been bant, get some of them poets over here please.

all we ask here is a bit of honesty and not back slappin for the sake of it.

an hour to give a crit? i larfed. i take it they're all unemployed.

Lawrence

Yeah! They're so stringent over there...it almost takes the enjoyment out of the art.
so any more unworthy dissidents over there who need a pillow?
or can we take it you weren't well liked Hysterical
Well, I only remember your current incarnation. But yeah that group can be pretty intense. There was one funny crit I read though on there once that I copied and saved (way more intense than I would give but if I had received it even for my poem I would have probably started laughing):


What a great idea for a poem.

It's too bad your imprecise language and telly reportage are preventing you from turning that great idea into a passable poem.

I don't care, or want to know if you're writing this from personal experience or not.

If you want your readers to believe that your narrator actually witnessed this event, you need to be more precise with your descriptions.

something
something
some
a man
a nearby dog
Someone

You've missed several great opportunities to show your readers what was happening. Instead, we have generic, non-specific, one dimensional cardboard cutout things, people and a dog.

Your opening doesn't work: what possible significance does the fact that *we* were stuck in a meeting all night have? Is the snow real, is it figurative snow, was there white debris from the blast that looked like snow? Who knows?

Your closing doesn't work: It's so awkwardly worded that we assume you're referencing the mental image of the carnage is going to be packed in your luggage. Can't you think of a better way to convey this? Is the sole thrust of the poem intended to be the effect the carnage has on the narrator?

There are logical inconsistencies as well. If N is too far away to identify the spinal column, how on earth can he/she determine that it's the heart on the hood of the car? How could the heart be distinguishable from half a liver, or any other piece of masticated meat?

Try precise description and less generic nothingness.
Try subtlety and less omniscient clinical telling.
Try thinking about what you're trying to say with this piece and then go about trying to say it.

Every single element of the poem should have a purpose. If the element does not contribute to the poem, it shouldn't be there.

Think of the Jarrell's ball turret gunner and the hose.
Subtle is good. Less is more.

Why are Hitchcock's movies so visually frightening?
The famous shower scene in Psycho doesn't show anyone getting stabbed with a kitchen knife.

Try a few dozen rewrites.
Try a few dozen massive rewrites.

Good luck.


hehe sometimes i think some like to hear the sound of their own text Wink

i thought that crit pretty bad. i think many who write crits think poetry isn't allowed to be telly. for me some poems are best that way and some aren't

and when is larry going to get some of his mates from there posing here ?

oh larrrrryeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Lawrence

Mates? I just told you I was fucking banned! XD
Well, I don't know Billy I'm sure it took 30 minutes to write (so it has to be good right). Some things have an unintentional humor to them. Big Grin

It has become shorthand for some of my writer friends we'll read one of each others poems and then say:

something
something
some
a man
a nearby dog
Someone

Then laugh.


(12-17-2010, 08:18 AM)billy Wrote: [ -> ]hehe sometimes i think some like to hear the sound of their own text Wink

i thought that crit pretty bad. i think many who write crits think poetry isn't allowed to be telly. for me some poems are best that way and some aren't

and when is larry going to get some of his mates from there posing here ?

oh larrrrryeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

(12-17-2010, 08:23 AM)Lawrence Wrote: [ -> ]Mates? I just told you I was fucking banned! XD
By them? Who haven't they banned?

Did you hear Maya Angelou is going to be the next Poet Laurette




(just messing with you)

yes but larry (i'll just call you arry in this thread Wink ) you must have had one or two
supporter hehe. at least even one friend, or an almost friend who'd like to join.
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