Wasp Moth
Though you wear
a shark skinned suit,
you're my friend.
You won't bite
or leave a mark,
only tickle.
Black ferns
dipped in auburn
line your brow;
plush velvet,
royal crimson lace
(you sometimes wear
only as a cape)
takes you
from favored nectar,
right here to me.
Trapped between
screen and window,
I gently help you
get free,
scooping you away
with a slotted spoon
borrowed from
a stranger's drawer.
ORIGINAL:
Spotted Oleander
(A Wasp Moth)
Though you wear
a shark skinned suit,
peppered,
you are my friend.
You won't bite
or leave a mark,
only tickle.
Black ferns
dipped in auburn
make up your brow;
plush velvet,
royal crimson lace
(you sometimes wear
only as a cape)
takes you
from favored nectar,
right here to me.
Trapped between
screen and window,
I gently help you
get free,
scooping you away
with the large slotted
plastic spoon
I borrowed from
a stranger's drawer.
(05-08-2017, 04:28 AM)nibbed Wrote: [ -> ]Spotted Oleander
(A Wasp Moth)
Though you wear
a shark skinned suit,
peppered, I don´t know if that line´s necessary, if it is I´d unite it with the next line
you are my friend. “you´re my friend” ? (for rhythm)
You won't bite
or leave a mark,
only tickle. (so that´s why he was saved later?)
Black ferns
dipped in auburn
make up your brow; maybe “line your brow” or something to keep the flow
plush velvet,
royal crimson lace
(you sometimes wear “if only worn as cape” and it would fit in 1 line
only as a cape)
takes you maybe you have some image to add in that short line..
from favored nectar,
right here to me.
Trapped between
screen and window,
I gently help you
get free,
scooping you away those two stanzas (from “trapped” to “away”) I´d try to combine to one of 3 or 4 lines
with the large slotted
plastic spoon
I borrowed from
a stranger's drawer. this stanza seems to convey the poem´s meaning but not to me.
hope some of that could be useful :-)
(06-03-2017, 12:36 AM)vagabond Wrote: [ -> ] (05-08-2017, 04:28 AM)nibbed Wrote: [ -> ]Spotted Oleander
(A Wasp Moth)
Though you wear
a shark skinned suit,
peppered, I don´t know if that line´s necessary, if it is I´d unite it with the next line
you are my friend. “you´re my friend” ? (for rhythm)
You won't bite
or leave a mark,
only tickle. (so that´s why he was saved later?)
Black ferns
dipped in auburn
make up your brow; maybe “line your brow” or something to keep the flow
plush velvet,
royal crimson lace
(you sometimes wear “if only worn as cape” and it would fit in 1 line
only as a cape)
takes you maybe you have some image to add in that short line..
from favored nectar,
right here to me.
Trapped between
screen and window,
I gently help you
get free,
scooping you away those two stanzas (from “trapped” to “away”) I´d try to combine to one of 3 or 4 lines
with the large slotted
plastic spoon
I borrowed from
a stranger's drawer. this stanza seems to convey the poem´s meaning but not to me.
hope some of that could be useful :-)
Hi Vagabond. I agree with most your notations. Thank you for critiquing. It was an observation poem. I got really excited (a little afraid) when I saw the wasp moth on a doorwall where I was staying. He seemeded threatening at first, but then when I really started looking at him, he was, well, gentle and not frightening at all...he was just a moth, no stinger! I will use many your suggestions for my revision. THANK YOU