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Among the Ladies (Senryu)

A moral man must
have been widowered to make
that comparison.
Sorry duke, for me this just seems like a sentence split into three lines, weak breaks and no image, and I'm definitely missing something because I'm not even sure what you mean. Maybe someone else will get it, if not maybe take another swing at it.
(03-08-2017, 11:32 PM)ellajam Wrote: [ -> ]Sorry duke, for me this just seems like a sentence split into three lines, weak breaks and no image, and I'm definitely missing something because I'm not even sure what you mean. Maybe someone else will get it, if not maybe take another swing at it.

May have broken the form by

implicitly referring back to the title - a cheat on the syllable count
Nope, not that, I took the title into consideration and personally I'm not concerned with the syllable count in these forms. I'm not sure what "That comparison" is, maybe someone else will get it. And for me the poetry is just missing here.
It's talking about premarital abstinence.

I'd consider another form that would allow you to make stronger line breaks. I'm not sure focusing on Senryu is helping.

If you lengthen it just slightly to make it into just a short poem, then you could include an image/simile/metaphor. I think that would help.

Thumbsup
(03-09-2017, 12:37 AM)Lizzie Wrote: [ -> ]It's talking about premarital abstinence.

I'd consider another form that would allow you to make stronger line breaks. I'm not sure focusing on Senryu is helping.

If you lengthen it just slightly to make it into just a short poem, then you could include an image/simile/metaphor. I think that would help.

Thumbsup

Yes, it is:  the moral man will neither fool around, cat around, nor divorce.  In the present age, tried to approach that assertion obliquely - sort of a double negative.  The short form is apparently too oblique; imagery is a good suggestion.  Cafeteria or... does anyone remember how an automat (restaurant) works?
Among the Ladies remove "senryu" here, since it's kinda distracting, and it is what it is.

A moral man must
have been widowered to make
that comparison.

aww, i read the comment that this was about abstinence first, so my read is kinda biased. i find it funny, though -- alliteration in the first line make for a kinda mumbly sound, widowered seems an inherently bouncy word (and i think since the usual term is "widowed", with the last line "comparison" and the title, "among the ladies", i think there's an emphasis on the difference between woman's and man's morality), and the last line was a curve ball for me at first that in its strangeness engaged me enough to read it twice more and bat it before the inning (me use metaphor right?)---me like.
Hi dukealien

I didn't get it, sorry,
even after the spoiler.
I just kept seeing someone
kinda kicking a bag of dust.
A dusty bag of dust
and the puffs or poofs
floating up up up into the blue

just mercedes

It doesn't work for me as a senyru, but it is good for using the word 'widowered', which made me pause. I love new words! Smile
i think you need to somehow create a pause and go off on a tanget in order to creat a cut

heavy rains fall
waters wash away horse shit
dead roses.

split the three lines into two or three parts,

grans dead mums dead
no dinner for granddad
he,s dead too
The get it/didn't get it consensus vote is definitely on the didn't side, so the poem must be judged a failure.  Not sure @billy's suggestion of working in a turn or two would help; perhaps the fundamental problem is that senryu describe people's behavior rather than, as here, prescribe it.

Will try to do better. Confused