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Rain pellets fury,
wind shouts a rattling blast:
There's a storm in town!
I really like the first two lines but the third was a letdown, I already knew that, told in an interesting way. I want some sort of twist at the end, or at the very least the same interesting language.

(03-01-2017, 10:29 AM)nibbed Wrote: [ -> ]Rain pellets fury,
wind shouts a rattling blast:
There's a storm in town!
actually, it would be hilarious if the last line wasn't a line, just a word -- nay, a symbol. the ! is unusual, perhaps even the point, and leaving it alone while reading it as a word still reads the (in English, unnecessary) 5-7-5:

rain pellets fury,
wind shouts a rattling blast:
though not seven -- if you were really a stickler, you would edit, perhaps change blast, otherwise the current construction suffices.*
!

* -- or perhaps, to enhance that "rattling", "wind shouting a rattling blast", though that breaks the tense a bit
(03-01-2017, 10:42 AM)ellajam Wrote: [ -> ]I really like the first two lines but the third was a letdown, I already knew that, told in an interesting way. I want some sort of twist at the end, or at the very least the same interesting language.

(03-01-2017, 10:29 AM)nibbed Wrote: [ -> ]Rain pellets fury,
wind shouts a rattling blast:
There's a storm in town!




True. True! I see it now that you mentioned it. What a letdown! Thank you kindly, ellajam.
Knowing I must come up with another line is kind of exciting!

(03-01-2017, 11:23 AM)RiverNotch Wrote: [ -> ]actually, it would be hilarious if the last line wasn't a line, just a word -- nay, a symbol. the ! is unusual, perhaps even the point, and leaving it alone while reading it as a word still reads the (in English, unnecessary) 5-7-5:

rain pellets fury,
wind shouts a rattling blast:
though not seven -- if you were really a stickler, you would edit, perhaps change blast, otherwise the current construction suffices.*
!

* -- or perhaps, to enhance that "rattling", "wind shouting a rattling blast", though that breaks the tense a bit



Yes, an ! for a whimsy end seems very clever, indeed.
Thanks for your suggestions, RiverNotch.
I guess part of the fun of Haiku is finding what words fit,
but an explanation point would make a cute short form poem.
Thanks so much!

Revision 1


Hail pellets fury,
Floods shriek a rattling squall:
Bombastic rain stick!





Original:

Rain pellets fury,
wind shouts a rattling blast:
There's a storm in town!
(03-01-2017, 01:37 PM)nibbed Wrote: [ -> ]Revision 1


Hail pellets fury,
Floods shriek a rattling squall:
Bombastic rain stick!

Hi nibbed. The revision seems like an improvement to me. I just can't figure out how flooding shrieks. I live in an area that floods every spring and it doesn't sound like much of anything, maybe a thundering sound if you're near a river that's swollen. Something that the water is pressing up against could shriek. Also shriek and squall are pretty similar in meaning and you might consider changing one to bring in another element.

I like that you used fury as a verb, I thought that was clever.
(03-02-2017, 01:59 AM)Lizzie Wrote: [ -> ]
(03-01-2017, 01:37 PM)nibbed Wrote: [ -> ]Revision 1


Hail pellets fury,
Floods shriek a rattling squall:
Bombastic rain stick!

Hi nibbed. The revision seems like an improvement to me. I just can't figure out how flooding shrieks. I live in an area that floods every spring and it doesn't sound like much of anything, maybe a thundering sound if you're near a river that's swollen. Something that the water is pressing up against could shriek. Also shriek and squall are pretty similar in meaning and you might consider changing one to bring in another element.

I like that you used fury as a verb, I thought that was clever.





Thanks, Lizzie. I was stuck, and then the thought of one of those rainsticks came to mind, the kind you tip up and down over and over to hear the sound of falling rain. They sound real, but they are clever devices. I actually had a lesson in vocabulary while I was studying the poem. I wanted to use the word bombastic as I was inspired by a loud storm that blew in last night. I always thought bombastic meant a huge loud event, but it is a lesser event that boasts something greater than it is.  I learn things about myself through words and this wonder of the pen, for which I am thankful. Thank you for your reply, I greatly respect your critique.
(03-01-2017, 10:29 AM)nibbed Wrote: [ -> ]Rain pellets fury,
wind shouts a rattling blast:
There's a storm in town!

AFAIK, the essence of haiku (or any short poem) is observation - don't imbue the image with your own thoughts: it works in longer poems, but not in short, supposedly punchy ones.
But more generally, in poetry, it's a good idea to go easy on the adjectives and eschew adverbs.

In the above, 'fury' weakens the crispness of 'pellets'. 
'wind shouts'  again, is unnecessarily anthropomorphic.
Finally, with the colon in L2, you don't need the 'There's a' in L3.
(03-03-2017, 01:55 PM)Achebe Wrote: [ -> ]
(03-01-2017, 10:29 AM)nibbed Wrote: [ -> ]Rain pellets fury,
wind shouts a rattling blast:
There's a storm in town!

AFAIK, the essence of haiku (or any short poem) is observation - don't imbue the image with your own thoughts: it works in longer poems, but not in short, supposedly punchy ones.
But more generally, in poetry, it's a good idea to go easy on the adjectives and eschew adverbs.

In the above, 'fury' weakens the crispness of 'pellets'. 
'wind shouts'  again, is unnecessarily anthropomorphic.
Finally, with the colon in L2, you don't need the 'There's a' in L3.



Thank you, kindly! That is so true!
You took a stick of dynamite
to a mountain that wouldn't budge
and minimized it to a neat and tidy hill, easier to climb.
I think I rushed in too soon,
because it all seems like so much fun!
(03-06-2017, 01:07 PM)nibbed Wrote: [ -> ]
(03-03-2017, 01:55 PM)Achebe Wrote: [ -> ]
(03-01-2017, 10:29 AM)nibbed Wrote: [ -> ]Rain pellets fury,
wind shouts a rattling blast:
There's a storm in town!

AFAIK, the essence of haiku (or any short poem) is observation - don't imbue the image with your own thoughts: it works in longer poems, but not in short, supposedly punchy ones.
But more generally, in poetry, it's a good idea to go easy on the adjectives and eschew adverbs.

In the above, 'fury' weakens the crispness of 'pellets'. 
'wind shouts'  again, is unnecessarily anthropomorphic.
Finally, with the colon in L2, you don't need the 'There's a' in L3.



Thank you, kindly! That is so true!
You took a stick of dynamite
to a mountain that wouldn't budge
and minimized it to a neat and tidy hill, easier to climb.
I think I rushed in too soon,
because it all seems like so much fun!

We're all here to learn, nothing wrong with a flying leap. Smile
(03-01-2017, 10:29 AM)nibbed Wrote: [ -> ]Rain pellets fury,
wind shouts a rattling blast:
There's a storm in town!

I skipped everyone else's critiques, so I hope I don't repeat something already said.

The first line is dynamic not only in its description, but also because "pellets" can be read as either an adjective, noun or a verb (abstract thinking- great tool). That gives more body and meaning to the first three words. Awesome introduction.

I think the first and second lines can better relate if you keep the stance of them similar, meaning line 2 would read like this:
"wind shouting rattled blasts" or "wind shouts rattling blasts". The "s" sounds are similar to "pellets" in the first line.

Since the first two lines are so powerful, maybe they could end the poem. The third line is weaker than the introduction, taking power away from it. Maybe line 3 works better as the introduction-
by the end of the poem, the powerful sounds and images act as the storm itself.