Hi Lizzie,
I would have made the leap to Godzilla even without the Mothra reference--though I suppose this could be a metaphor for natural disasters and where was God in it all. Godzilla God works either way. Though, I'm leaning toward the -zilla. This poem has a clean style to it. There's very little I can even critique. It has good concrete detail. It has a conversational tone that works within the conceit. I guess my one call out would be that while I don't mind the fiddle while Rome burns ending, the fact that the title already clues me in on where I'm to arrive robs the poem of any surprise or punch. I'd consider a title change.
(02-25-2017, 04:21 AM)Lizzie Wrote: [ -> ]You say you want to rebuild the cafes,
waterfront, parks, restaurants
exactly how you loved them.
Have you forgotten? You rampaged
through the city thrashing, insensate --insensate is a versatile, perfect word for this.
like Mothra raging for her eggs,--enjoyed the reference and the humor
only you had no such noble motive.
The sidewalks look like puzzles.
Freeways split like banana halves.--what I like about these two similes is that in addition to provided memorable shapes for the destruction to take, they also remind me of childhood things making this almost a tantrum of sorts.
The buses don't run, love,
but we can count change anyway.
We can trip over rubble,
ignore rubbish and debris,
or sit on the subway and feign
it's moving. We'll order the only food
on the corner store's menu:
deep fried rats and alley cats,
make small talk
and pass the salt.
Enjoyable read.
Best,
Todd
(02-25-2017, 04:21 AM)Lizzie Wrote: [ -> ]You say you want to rebuild the cafes,
waterfront, parks, restaurants really strong start but there something about 'waterfront' that bugs me, it just sits a bit odd as the only singular in the list.
exactly how you loved them.
Have you forgotten? You rampaged yes
through the city thrashing, insensate
like Mothra raging for her eggs, yes
only you had no such noble motive. odd phrasing, I think something like 'but without such noble motive' or 'but you had no noble motive' might read better
The sidewalks look like puzzles.
Freeways split like banana halves. 'split like halved bananas' would be my preference. Actually I'm not sure. Anyway it's a great image.
The buses don't run, love, Makes the relationship between the two seem more personal that I had previously realised up to this point
but we can count change anyway. Yesss
We can trip over rubble,
ignore rubbish and debris, I feel like rubble debris and rubbish are all similar, and that maybe rubbish should be swapped out. That said the rhythm is nice.
it's moving. We'll order the only food
on the corner store's menu:
deep fried rats and alley cats,
make small talk
and pass the salt. A nice down to earth ending.
Really love this piece, feels really fresh. I would 100 change the name though. You don't need salt in the title. You can call it Kaiju or Godzilla or whatever you please really; I don't think it needs to be a pull from the body of the poem. Great stuff.
EDIT: You changed the title whilst I was writing this crit.
Hey guys, thanks so much for the feedback.
I've made some changes and listed them in the pre verse button.
The title is new (obviously), but it's not necessarily "the one."
"Rubbish" and "debris" were mistakes. Thanks for pushing to me elevate my game.
(02-26-2017, 05:03 AM)Lizzie Wrote: [ -> ]Are you sure alley cats aren't Chinese cuisine?
A dodgy Chinese joint in a dark inner city alley doesn't sit well with the banana split freeways. I got the impression that you were talking about boring American city design (not New York city) that has no downtown, no cafes worth the name, but endless malls and gas stations and parks that you drive to as opposed to walk to, because they're so damned far away.
Chic-fil-As and burger joints inhabit such a world.
You say you want to rebuild the cafes, = Why Rome?
galleries, parks, restaurants
exactly how you loved them.
Have you forgotten? You rampaged
through the city thrashing, insensate =Very good picture, I imagined spinning fists.
like Mothra raging for her eggs, =Love this. I honestly began a serious giggle at this point, turned to snickers.
but you had no noble motive. =How we all feel when we see such riotousness, what does it accomplish?
The sidewalks look like puzzles.
Freeways split like banana halves.
The buses don't run, love, =I admire the word love here, seems unconditional.
but we can count change anyway. =little to nothing for which to work with
We can ignore the rubble,
hurdle the felled trees,
or sit on the subway and feign
it's moving. We'll order the only food =I do like order here instead of "grab"
on the corner store's menu:
deep fried rats and alley cats,
make small talk
and pass the salt.
I've longed to read such cleverness. Your changes were good, too.
Will I ever manage to be half as accomplished?
Thank you.
(02-26-2017, 06:25 AM)Achebe Wrote: [ -> ] (02-26-2017, 05:03 AM)Lizzie Wrote: [ -> ]Are you sure alley cats aren't Chinese cuisine?
A dodgy Chinese joint in a dark inner city alley doesn't sit well with the banana split freeways. I got the impression that you were talking about boring American city design (not New York city) that has no downtown, no cafes worth the name, but endless malls and gas stations and parks that you drive to as opposed to walk to, because they're so damned far away.
Chic-fil-As and burger joints inhabit such a world.
Personally, I've never seen a Chick-fil-A. Or a Piggly Wiggly. I take it on faith that they exist.
Hi nibbed! Thanks for the critique! The title is there because of Todd's critique (fiddle while Rome burns). If you have a suggestion for a different title or just don't like this one, I'd be open to changing it. I'm crap with titles, so I almost always need help in that department.
The spinning fists is a good image. I see that Mothra has that giggle effect -- I wonder if it's because the movies were so bad, or maybe the reference is just cliche. But, then I am making jokes about bananas and rats and cats, so it is a mix of serious and silly.
Welcome to the Pen!
I'm all for author's intent but when I read this poem I'm more inclined to think that this is a natural disaster than a rampage from Goizilla despite the reference to Mothra. As how can Godzilla be expected to rebuild the city as suggested in line 1
(02-25-2017, 04:21 AM)Lizzie Wrote: [ -> ]You say you want to rebuild the cafes,
restaurants, parks, galleries
exactly how you loved them. This shows the philosophical contradiction of God caring for us on the one hand in that he wants what's best for us, he wants the city to be rebuilt as it was but it was his allowing of evil and suffering in the first place that caused the disaster
Have you forgotten? You rampaged
through the city thrashing, insensate
like Mothra raging for her eggs,
but you had no noble motive. I'm getting a great sense of disdain here towards an almighty power which could highlights the tension between the problem of evil and a all power compassionate creator
The sidewalks look like puzzles.
Freeways split like banana halves. Great imagery here in both of these two lines
The buses don't run, love, The use of love here further emphasises a cynical disdain towards God as the main antagonist
but we can count change anyway.
We can ignore the rubble,
hurdle the felled trees,
or sit on the subway and feign
it's moving. We'll order the only food
on the corner store's menu:
deep fried rats and alley cats, a sense a hint of sarcasm here as people try to go on there everyday life despite the cataclysmic event. Almost as an act of defiance to God for bringing the disaster on the city
make small talk
and pass the salt. Business as usual I guess
Hi, Mark! Thanks for commenting. I'm fine with it being interpreted as the reader desires. I didn't have the God/humans relationship in mind when I wrote it, but it works that way too. I'm actually glad that it could have more than one meaning, because then the reader can 'make it their own,' as it were.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
Cheers,
Lizzie