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Felt like writing something relaxed, thought this was cute

Have you passed the creek?
Did you leap the pit, or cross the plank we left?
Will you carry an extra blackberry pail?
I'm trying to cut down on trips to the bush.
I'm trying not to stir the lake for another tick bath.
And I'm trying to keep my trail a little grassy.
i like this and am still chewing on the symbolism. it reminds me of 'a road not taken' in some ways. i like the symmetry of questions and declarative statements.
The tick bath would be a good poem topic.
(09-05-2016, 01:29 AM)kolemath Wrote: [ -> ]i like this and am still chewing on the symbolism. it reminds me of 'a road not taken' in some ways. i like the symmetry of questions and declarative statements.

I didn't intend any symbolism, but I guess that doesn't mean there isn't Smile
Maybe because this is in the "For Fun" forum, but I just can't seem to see the title as anything other than "my booty is getting bigger." And this lends itself to a very different reading of the poem, with all the talk of creeks and bushes, and all. Ha. I think I have a weird brain Blush
(09-08-2016, 12:51 PM)lizziep Wrote: [ -> ]Maybe because this is in the "For Fun" forum, but I just can't seem to see the title as anything other than "my booty is getting bigger." And this lends itself to a very different reading of the poem, with all the talk of creeks and bushes, and all. Ha. I think I have a weird brain Blush
Tick bath.

Lovely piece. Although the tenses of the first three lines feel weird: have you passed, implying, but in a weirder sounding way than did you pass, that the passage is already done; and of course, the next line; but then that next line, will you carry, as if their passage hasn't already begun, and the speaker is asking her conversation to go back and get another. Or is the journey still yet to proceed -- in which case, the first two lines would claim the error.

And then the next three lines -- perhaps the speaker and her conversation are coming from different places? or, in the end, are passing away through different ways? I get the I'ms, but the my in my trail is what throws me off. The whole lack of clarity, of a true position in time and space, throws me off. Otherwise, again, lovely piece.

Oh, and I'd put that italicized intro to the post's end, if I were you -- it reads too much like the beginning of the poem.

And entomological note: I don't think your avatar is an actual scarab, its forewings are not elytra. Perhaps a cicada?
(09-08-2016, 01:18 PM)RiverNotch Wrote: [ -> ]
(09-08-2016, 12:51 PM)lizziep Wrote: [ -> ]Maybe because this is in the "For Fun" forum, but I just can't seem to see the title as anything other than "my booty is getting bigger." And this lends itself to a very different reading of the poem, with all the talk of creeks and bushes, and all. Ha. I think I have a weird brain Blush
Tick bath.

Lovely piece. Although the tenses of the first three lines feel weird: have you passed, implying, but in a weirder sounding way than did you pass, that the passage is already done; and of course, the next line; but then that next line, will you carry, as if their passage hasn't already begun, and the speaker is asking her conversation to go back and get another. Or is the journey still yet to proceed -- in which case, the first two lines would claim the error.

And then the next three lines -- perhaps the speaker and her conversation are coming from different places? or, in the end, are passing away through different ways? I get the I'ms, but the my in my trail is what throws me off. The whole lack of clarity, of a true position in time and space, throws me off. Otherwise, again, lovely piece.

Oh, and I'd put that italicized intro to the post's end, if I were you -- it reads too much like the beginning of the poem.

And entomological note: I don't think your avatar is an actual scarab, its forewings are not elytra. Perhaps a cicada?

Thank you, that was extremely helpful :Smile

And you're right, it is a cicada. They're my absolute favorite. One day I was ranting about their mating cycles, how they hibernate and re-awaken in prime numbered years, and my father called them 'southern scarabs.' I thought that was pretty apt. They're just so *sigh

(09-08-2016, 12:51 PM)lizziep Wrote: [ -> ]Maybe because this is in the "For Fun" forum, but I just can't seem to see the title as anything other than "my booty is getting bigger." And this lends itself to a very different reading of the poem, with all the talk of creeks and bushes, and all. Ha. I think I have a weird brain Blush

Yikes, noted Hysterical