Poetry Forum

I havent posted ina long while, but i suppose theres no time like the present to begin again.... I wrote this quite a while ago, but i always like to hear other opinons/critiques on my older poems.

Gasping hearts, heavy eyes,
both red and raw with feel.
Taking hands and locking stares.
My true feelings concealed.

I grasp the sharpie in my hand,
she takes me to last night.
Feelings flood, I wish to speak,
instead I simply write.

H.A.G.S....K.I.T
In her yearbook.

Hey there

I like gasping hearts a lot, and the ending.
A couple of thoughts from a more objective pov:
Condense it, the extra wordage ways it down a bit.
Watch out for cliche I think feelings flood, might be cliche.
I think you might want to use less I's in a shorter piece like this.
Critique aside, I did like it, and I think you can work it into somethin good.

Hi, I was really struggling to understand this at first and a couple of things led to total confusion until I did a bit research. The confusion was to do with 'colloquialisms' of a sort, I'll explain as I go.

(06-19-2015, 10:42 AM)hopefularahant Wrote: [ -> ]Gasping hearts, heavy eyes, --- I know what you are meaning here, but can a heart gasp? Possibly in the sense 'to crave' which is listed as one of the definitions but I feel there could be an alternative.
both red and raw with feel. --- careful of cliches 'red raw'?
Taking hands and locking stares.
My true feelings concealed.

I grasp the sharpie in my hand, --- this was my first stumble as I thought 'sharpie' was a knife or blade of sorts -- I now know it is a pen -- although I was quite enjoying the 'sinister' turn of events
she takes me to last night.
Feelings flood, I wish to speak,
instead I simply write.

H.A.G.S....K.I.T --- I had not a single clue about this and I'm not sure if anyone outside U.S./Canada would know. I now know it means 'Have a good summer' and I'm presuming K.I.T is something like 'keep in touch' or 'keep it together'
In her yearbook.

The only reason I struggled with this is basically because I'm British and wasn't aware of a couple of terms like 'sharpie', which I honestly at first thought was a knife. Now after much research and finding out what 'H.A.G.S.' means I can see what your idea was and it makes sense, a kind of cliche used with a purpose and therefore not a cliche. It's an awkward choice to have to make to change elements of your poem to make it more universal whilst risking its 'down to earth' element. If 'sharpie' has another connotation to it I am unaware of what it is, if you feel that it loses nothing by changing it to 'pen' or something similar I would change it. The H.A.G.S. bit isn't as straightforward as that so all I can suggest is a footnote which isn't ideal but definitely would help, especially with poor lost 'foreigners' like me 
When I got there, it made sense and I like the concept, it just took me a while to get there, but that's not your fault.

Cheers for the read,

Mark

watch out for clichés heavy eyes/feelings flood/red raw....
the first verse needs some good image to make it stand out  what does, red and raw with feel mean?

(06-19-2015, 10:42 AM)hopefularahant Wrote: [ -> ]I havent posted ina long while, but i suppose theres no time like the present to begin again.... I wrote this quite a while ago, but i always like to hear other opinons/critiques on my older poems.

Gasping hearts, heavy eyes,
both red and raw with feel.
Taking hands and locking stares.
My true feelings concealed.

I grasp the sharpie in my hand,
she takes me to last night. is she the [sharpie] or is the sharpie an it?
Feelings flood, I wish to speak,
instead I simply write.

H.A.G.S....K.I.T had to look this up can it be said in a more informing way?
In her yearbook.

Although I like "gasping hearts" I'm not sure it connotes much in the way of meaning. "Heavy eyes" is simply cliche and I see little connection between the two.

This is an attempt to write in ballad meter (which is good), what is not good is the two forced rhymes of "feel" and "night". Plus S2 L3 is a four foot line of trochee, instead of iambs.

Having to conform to the confines of ballad meter seems to have led to poor choices in word usage, or in this case, forced word usage (which is usually the case in the beginning). However, nothing to fear, a greater sense of the natural comes with practice. Keep at it.

Best,

Dale

BTW I'm American and grew up in the yearbook culture and still had no idea what H.A.G.S. meant. I do know what SWAK means, which appeared often in my yearbooks

Thanks for the replies! And as far as the HAGS and KIT part, (have a great summer and keep in touch) its funny because i thought those were better known terms... And looking at it, i did have a few inexcusible cliche parts in there.... Appreciate the feedback, and i might return to this one!


Ambrosial Revelation,
I competely understand how you missed the colloquialisms on this one.... Having just returned from a trip to england, i cannot tell you how many times things went over my head because i misunderstood the language.
(I remember calling back to my friend saying "alright" as an affirmation, and the guy next to me responded "good day" because he thought i meant alright as a greeting... I was confused for the rest of the day)

(06-19-2015, 10:42 AM)hopefularahant Wrote: [ -> ]I havent posted ina long while, but i suppose theres no time like the present to begin again.... I wrote this quite a while ago, but i always like to hear other opinons/critiques on my older poems.

Gasping hearts, heavy eyes,
both red and raw with feel. I think you could use a better word than "feel"; describing the feeling further (along the same vein as red and raw). Especially since you use "feelings" two more times in the poem.
Taking hands and locking stares.
My true feelings concealed.

I grasp the sharpie in my hand,
she takes me to last night. What happened last night? I don't know.
Feelings flood, I wish to speak,
instead I simply write.

H.A.G.S....K.I.T
In her yearbook. I've never heard of those acronyms myself. I sort of get why you used the acronyms though, it further devalues the message.

I like the idea of the poem, the emptiness of most yearbook messages, when you may want to write/say much more. I think you could definitely improve the poem though, hopefully my thoughts are of some use to you.

(06-20-2015, 06:26 AM)hopefularahant Wrote: [ -> ]Ambrosial Revelation,
I competely understand how you missed the colloquialisms on this one.... Having just returned from a trip to england, i cannot tell you how many times things went over my head because i misunderstood the language.  
(I remember calling back to my friend saying "alright" as an affirmation, and the guy next to me responded "good day" because he thought i meant alright as a greeting... I was confused for the rest of the day)

I think this is a common cause of confusion. I've known Americans visiting Britain who spent the first couple of days perplexed as to why people were asking them if they were 'alright' constantly. I've got a friend who while out for a meal in America with Americans ordered 'chips' expecting to get what you would call fries, but got surprisingly 'chips' or 'crisps' as we call them. He had to pretend that it was what he meant and so had to eat them. It makes sites like this a bit more interesting especially in poetry, but I suppose the same thing that makes all this interaction possible is the same thing that will sort out these little misunderstandings. So the reader has to do a little bit more work to understand, that's fine with me... I know what a 'sharpie' is now. 

(06-19-2015, 11:34 PM)Erthona Wrote: [ -> ]BTW I'm American and grew up in the yearbook culture and still had no idea what H.A.G.S. meant. I do know what SWAK means, which appeared often in my yearbooks   

Spinners & Weavers Association of Korea    

sealed with a kiss!

Although I do like your.

dale