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because the dead don’t wear shoes
they can sneak up on you
and breathe dryly into your ear
from behind your favourite chair.
 
they can follow you to distant countries
passing quickly through airport security checks,
ignoring signs to remove their belt and shoes,
they can't be left with the unchecked luggage.
 
because the dead don’t wear shoes
they fold easily from one year to the next
like the pages of a calendar
that doesn't end -  perpetual.
 
they call to you, occasionally
like misbehaving children dancing in the rain
come join us
and slip free of the worries of life 
and shoes.
 

just mercedes

I like your whimsical poem - apart from the last line, which doesn't satisfy me, somehow.

most wonderful title - can visualize the film noir poster from here
(12-30-2014, 07:11 AM)just mercedes Wrote: [ -> ]I like your whimsical poem - apart from the last line, which doesn't satisfy me, somehow.

yah, i agree.  i want something there and i think it is saying /what/ i want but the /how/ is dreadfully pedestrian.  Thanks for reading and commenting.

(12-30-2014, 07:16 AM)rayheinrich Wrote: [ -> ]
most wonderful title - can visualize the film noir poster from here

I hadn't really thought of that.  nice.

(12-30-2014, 07:11 AM)just mercedes Wrote: [ -> ]I like your whimsical poem - apart from the last line, which doesn't satisfy me, somehow.

changed it. still not great but better, I think.
(12-30-2014, 06:53 AM)milo Wrote: [ -> ]because the dead don’t wear shoes
they can sneak up on you
and breath dryly into your ear
from behind your favourite chair.
 
they can follow you to distant countries
passing quickly through airport security checks,
ignoring signs to remove their belt and shoes
not left behind like unchecked luggage
 
because the dead don’t wear shoes
they fold easily from one year to the next
like the pages of a calendar
that doesn't end; perpetual[b] Hmmm."...like the pages(xxxx) that do not end" or " like the pages of a never ending calendar"

they call to you, occasionally
like misbehaving children dancing in the rain
come join us
and lose the weight of shoes.
 
...I say they do wear shoes. Discuss.
The poem. Some strangely haunting phrases peppered about...but why can't you fold with shoes on? Sounds good but is it?
I do like the automatic disjointed writing created by lack of punctuation...it adds an other-worldly element to the self-satisfied premises of unsupported statements made by the narrator. If this is not an attribute I am afraid you will need to punctuate to clarity....if only for me.
Best as always,
tectak
(12-30-2014, 08:16 AM)tectak Wrote: [ -> ]
(12-30-2014, 06:53 AM)milo Wrote: [ -> ]because the dead don’t wear shoes
they can sneak up on you
and breath dryly into your ear
from behind your favourite chair.
 
they can follow you to distant countries
passing quickly through airport security checks,
ignoring signs to remove their belt and shoes
not left behind like unchecked luggage
 
because the dead don’t wear shoes
they fold easily from one year to the next
like the pages of a calendar
that doesn't end; perpetual[b] Hmmm."...like the pages(xxxx) that do not end" or " like the pages of a never ending calendar"
they call to you, occasionally
like misbehaving children dancing in the rain
come join us
and lose the weight of shoes.
 
...I say they do wear shoes. Discuss.

The thought is from the poem, The Truth the Dead Know by Anne Sexton:

And what of the dead? They lie without shoes
in the stone boats. They are more like stone
than the sea would be if it stopped. They refuse
to be blessed, throat, eye and knucklebone.



Quote:The poem. Some strangely haunting phrases peppered about...but why can't you fold with shoes on? Sounds good but is it?

unlike shirts and pants, shoes do not lend themselves to easy folding.
Quote:I do like the automatic disjointed writing created by lack of punctuation...it adds an other-worldly element to the self-satisfied premises of unsupported statements made by the narrator. If this is not an attribute I am afraid you will need to punctuate to clarity....if only for me.

Best as always,

tectak
it is punctuated somewhat - though not what one would consider adequate for prose.  It is also currently a non-capitol effort but I am certainly willing to change all of this for a good whisky.

Thanks, Tom.
(12-30-2014, 08:20 AM)milo Wrote: [ -> ]it is punctuated somewhat - though not what one would consider adequate for prose.  It is also currently a non-capitol effort but I am certainly willing to change all of this for a good whisky.
Thanks, Tom.

Yes, the set of punctuation marks is but a mere subset of punctuation.

Line breaks, blank lines, accentuation or disruption of rhythm, theme, subject, focus, egregious fonts,
and all the varied, continuated, eccentrificated, ejaculated, immaculately conceptuated , and inconceivably
pontificated rest of such things can have a toe in it as well.

P.S. A box of wine, for me, will serve as well.
Milo,

I like the idea of this poem, and since it is in the for fun section would not generally offer critique, but as everyone else has. The problematic point for me is that stanzas 2 and 3 to not have the same correlation to shoes as does stanza one. In stanza one there is a direct correlation to shoes and sneaking up on someone. It is an establish image (for lack of a better term) that one removes ones shoes to better sneak up on someone. This same idea is lacking in the next two stanzas and they suffer by comparison. This is unfortunate as it really is a great idea for a poem.
There is maybe a slight correlation between going through airport security and the need to remove ones shows, but there is nothing even akin to that with a calendar. I think you need to cite other instances that are known for needing shoes to be removed. Like entering into a Japanese bath house. They can easily follow you into a Japanese bath house and blow cool air across your back, as they need no Geisha to remove their shoes. Something like that, that there is a more established connection to the removing of ones shoes, and where it can be emphasized.

Maybe I'm dense, but also have not traveled much in a while, do they make everybody take off their shoes to get through airport security? If not then I don't think that image really works. Maybe it just doesn't work for me because I'm so out of touch with the larger world of travel.

I do like the change on the last line. It adds a lightness to the poem, rather injecting added heaviness that it doesn't need as the first one did.

This is also a very fresh and original idea, I am envious.

Dale    
(01-01-2015, 04:43 AM)Erthona Wrote: [ -> ]Milo,

I like the idea of this poem, and since it is in the for fun section would not generally offer critique, but as everyone else has.

thanks for offering critique.  I like to post here as I get pretty much the same level as critique but everyone gets to go off topic if they prefer.  Plus, I don't know how "serious" I am.

Quote: The problematic point for me is that stanzas 2 and 3 to not have the same correlation to shoes as does stanza one. In stanza one there is a direct correlation to shoes and sneaking up on someone. It is an establish image (for lack of a better term) that one removes ones shoes to better sneak up on someone. This same idea is lacking in the next two stanzas and they suffer by comparison. This is unfortunate as it really is a great idea for a poem.
There is maybe a slight correlation between going through airport security and the need to remove ones shows, but there is nothing even akin to that with a calendar. I think you need to cite other instances that are known for needing shoes to be removed. Like entering into a Japanese bath house. They can easily follow you into a Japanese bath house and blow cool air across your back, as they need no Geisha to remove their shoes. Something like that, that there is a more established connection to the removing of ones shoes, and where it can be emphasized.

ok - there is a lot in here to discuss.  Originally, there were 8 stanzas to this, as I just considered different situations where not having shoes would be useful, but the poem isn't actually about shoes, it is about the dead and I boiled it down to the 3 things I wanted to say:

1. the dead can sneak up on you
2. you can't escape the dead just by going somewhere else.
3. time will not eventually make the dead go away.

So, yes, the bath house one is good, but the point of the poem isn't supposed to be about cool things the dead can do without shoes.  It is metaphorical, much like the shoes don't have to be literal shoes.  

To the connections - Tom already mentioned that at least one doesn't work for him so it looks like this is going to be a serious structural flaw in the poem.  I meant to make the metaphor obvious by being slightly whimsical.  Yes, they do make you remove your shoes to get through airport security and it is annoying, but not having shoes wouldn't be a /huge/ benefit anymore than you need to remove them to sneak up on someone.  As for the folding - you can't fold shoes.  Were a dead person wearing them, they would become unfoldable.  

Quote:Maybe I'm dense, but also have not traveled much in a while, do they make everybody take off their shoes to get through airport security? If not then I don't think that image really works. Maybe it just doesn't work for me because I'm so out of touch with the larger world of travel.

I do like the change on the last line. It adds a lightness to the poem, rather injecting added heaviness that it doesn't need as the first one did.

This is also a very fresh and original idea, I am envious.

Dale    


thanks. Keeping this fresh and interesting - for me -may be the most important thing a poem can provide.  Thanks for your comments.
Slight apology as my first read was a rather cursory one. Just re-read it.
Extended metaphors can get awfully cute awfully fast, but yours doesn't.
Playful, yes, but with the profundity and paradox of death left intact.
Enjoyed muchly.

Especially:

"...breathe dryly into your ear
from behind your favourite chair."


"because the dead don’t wear shoes
they fold easily from one year to the next
like the pages of a calendar
that doesn't end..."


"they call to you, occasionally...
...come join us
and slip free of the worries of life
and shoes."
                                <- wonderful

Kara Mahaffey

I was curious if these were real life experiences and if you feel you have connections with spirits?
I love this one, smile every time. It rings of truth for me. Slip free is the perfect change. Thanks for posting it, it has a lovely float to to it.

Wishing you a happy new year in good company. Big Grin
(01-02-2015, 06:08 AM)rayheinrich Wrote: [ -> ]Slight apology as my first read was a rather cursory one. Just re-read it.
Extended metaphors can get awfully cute awfully fast, but yours doesn't.
Playful, yes, but with the profundity and paradox of death left intact.
Enjoyed muchly.

Especially:

"...breathe dryly into your ear
from behind your favourite chair."


"because the dead don’t wear shoes
they fold easily from one year to the next
like the pages of a calendar
that doesn't end..."


"they call to you, occasionally...
...come join us
and slip free of the worries of life
and shoes."
                                <- wonderful

thanks for the input, ray.  It is encouraging that those parts stood out to you as 2 of them (breathes dryly and the end) came as a result of recent edits which makes me think I may be heading in the right direction.

(01-02-2015, 10:28 AM)Kara Mahaffey Wrote: [ -> ]I was curious if these were real life experiences and if you feel you have connections with spirits?

well, they are real life experiences metaphorically:

1.  I have been sitting in my living room minding my own business when I was reminded that someone I loved is now dead.
2. I have traveled hundreds of miles away and still occasionally remembered that someone had died.
3.  Many years have passed but the death has followed me through the years.

not sure if that is what you were looking for.

(01-02-2015, 11:08 AM)ellajam Wrote: [ -> ]I love this one, smile every time. It rings of truth for me. Slip free is the perfect change. Thanks for posting it, it has a lovely float to to it.

Wishing you a happy new year in good company. Big Grin

I love that it makes you smile.  Thank you for reading and I hope this year is the best you have ever had.
milo,
" but the poem isn't actually about shoes, it is about the dead"
I can see that is where you want to go with this, but considering your title I think you tie in the shoes as an equal part to the dead.
"because the dead don't wear shoes" this happens, or this is so.
The whole premiss is based on that statement and each stanza answers that statement, or at least that is how I read it going in because of the title, if you see what I mean.

Sorry I wrote this before I read your new version, as I didn't realize there was one until I read one of your comments. The new version seem more in line with your title.

Dale
(01-03-2015, 01:19 AM)Erthona Wrote: [ -> ]milo,
" but the poem isn't actually about shoes, it is about the dead"
I can see that is where you want to go with this, but considering your title I think you tie in the shoes as an equal part to the dead.
"because the dead don't wear shoes" this happens, or this is so.
The whole premiss is based on that statement and each stanza answers that statement, or at least that is how I read it going in because of the title, if you see what I mean.

Sorry I wrote this before I read your new version, as I didn't realize there was one until I read one of your comments. The new version seem more in line with your title.

Dale

apologies if it looked like I was disagreeing with you - I think you raised a very valid and important point.  i was just explaining the thought process behind the decisions that I made.

Thanks