06-05-2014, 06:39 AM
Today, 03:23 AM Post: #6 |
Isis
Junior Member
Posts: 18
Joined: May 2014
Warning Level: 0%
RE: As if it knows
One contrast - and possible contradiction - that struck me about this poem is the simple language and the reverence and spirituality that the speaker experiences. I noticed this most in the second stanza:
(05-30-2014 02:44 PM)Hog Butcher Wrote:
I come to a clearing
where the ferns grow densely
and what sun there is shines down through.
The sight commands a fallen knee and
begs worship of whatever it is that made
the forest and put me here to see it,
as the ferns glow, wet
in the dim grey light.
Is this purposefully ironic? We're shown a very simple scene, one of the sun coming through and hitting a dense growth of ferns. I can imagine something like it by drawing on memory, but it doesn't make me feel fulfilled, reverent, in awe, or even relaxed to be in the forest. I'm waiting for more. I end up feeling distant from the speaker because the sight commands the speaker down on a knee, but doesn't command the reader down on a knee. Later in the stanza we get something beautiful, the ferns glowing and wet in gray light. But even though you're describing something beautiful it's pretty pared down. The sentences are mostly simple. The voice, the tone of the poem sound very even, quiet. I think one way to get across the main feeling of the poem more clearly would be to try and bring out a sense of wonder and worship just from the description. Describe the forest so we hear gospel signing.
Part of the reason the poem falls flat for me I think is because it's all written in the same even tone or voice, when there are big swings in the poem, a large contrast between the bended knee of the second stanza and the realization in the third stanza that there is only the world. The text of the poem suggests that the speaker bumps down to earth at some point, either when getting soggy knees in the woods or on the walk back home. But I don't feel that bump, that shift myself. It's basically the same issue as in the second stanza. I can get what the speaker is feeling because it's described/shown in the poem, but I don't connect with it … I'm not feeling along with the speaker.
I think a greater contrast between the parts of the poem would help a lot. There are lots of ways to do this: form, sound, tone, the kinds of imagery used, overall word choice. Personally, I'd mess around with the 'level' of language, maybe religious language in the first half and scientific language in the second half. That's kind of happening already, but the effect could be amplified. I might also intensify the imagery in the first half and "gray it out" in the second half. But it's up to you - there are many ways to revise a poem. I think this poem would be a lot more effective if we could swoop up with the speaker at the beginning and fall back down at the end.
One thing I found interesting about this poem was the thoughts about death at the end:
(05-30-2014 02:44 PM)Hog Butcher Wrote:
only a world
throbbing violently with life
that will shrivel up and die,
dragging me down with it,
This really surprised me, because I feel like the thing that's hardest to deal with, and the thing that often strikes me most as a biologist, is that life will carry on just fine without us, maybe even do better without us. I will one day die and humanity as a whole will one day die too, but the earth will continue "throbbing with life" as if we never were … and while that idea is hard to get ones head around at times, I often take it as a "given". Here the speaker's perspective is so different. It feels bitter to me, but maybe it's not? Maybe it's more tied in to the forest, in a way? Anyway, I think this is worth exploring more - perhaps in this poem, perhaps in other poems.
Isis
Junior Member
Posts: 18
Joined: May 2014
Warning Level: 0%
RE: As if it knows
One contrast - and possible contradiction - that struck me about this poem is the simple language and the reverence and spirituality that the speaker experiences. I noticed this most in the second stanza:
(05-30-2014 02:44 PM)Hog Butcher Wrote:
I come to a clearing
where the ferns grow densely
and what sun there is shines down through.
The sight commands a fallen knee and
begs worship of whatever it is that made
the forest and put me here to see it,
as the ferns glow, wet
in the dim grey light.
Is this purposefully ironic? We're shown a very simple scene, one of the sun coming through and hitting a dense growth of ferns. I can imagine something like it by drawing on memory, but it doesn't make me feel fulfilled, reverent, in awe, or even relaxed to be in the forest. I'm waiting for more. I end up feeling distant from the speaker because the sight commands the speaker down on a knee, but doesn't command the reader down on a knee. Later in the stanza we get something beautiful, the ferns glowing and wet in gray light. But even though you're describing something beautiful it's pretty pared down. The sentences are mostly simple. The voice, the tone of the poem sound very even, quiet. I think one way to get across the main feeling of the poem more clearly would be to try and bring out a sense of wonder and worship just from the description. Describe the forest so we hear gospel signing.
Part of the reason the poem falls flat for me I think is because it's all written in the same even tone or voice, when there are big swings in the poem, a large contrast between the bended knee of the second stanza and the realization in the third stanza that there is only the world. The text of the poem suggests that the speaker bumps down to earth at some point, either when getting soggy knees in the woods or on the walk back home. But I don't feel that bump, that shift myself. It's basically the same issue as in the second stanza. I can get what the speaker is feeling because it's described/shown in the poem, but I don't connect with it … I'm not feeling along with the speaker.
I think a greater contrast between the parts of the poem would help a lot. There are lots of ways to do this: form, sound, tone, the kinds of imagery used, overall word choice. Personally, I'd mess around with the 'level' of language, maybe religious language in the first half and scientific language in the second half. That's kind of happening already, but the effect could be amplified. I might also intensify the imagery in the first half and "gray it out" in the second half. But it's up to you - there are many ways to revise a poem. I think this poem would be a lot more effective if we could swoop up with the speaker at the beginning and fall back down at the end.
One thing I found interesting about this poem was the thoughts about death at the end:
(05-30-2014 02:44 PM)Hog Butcher Wrote:
only a world
throbbing violently with life
that will shrivel up and die,
dragging me down with it,
This really surprised me, because I feel like the thing that's hardest to deal with, and the thing that often strikes me most as a biologist, is that life will carry on just fine without us, maybe even do better without us. I will one day die and humanity as a whole will one day die too, but the earth will continue "throbbing with life" as if we never were … and while that idea is hard to get ones head around at times, I often take it as a "given". Here the speaker's perspective is so different. It feels bitter to me, but maybe it's not? Maybe it's more tied in to the forest, in a way? Anyway, I think this is worth exploring more - perhaps in this poem, perhaps in other poems.
