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Full Version: Tomoffing on "On break" by kindofahippy
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Tomoffing on "On break" by Kindofahippy.

Your theme comes across no problem, you've nailed that.

However, in this piece you have used rhymes throughout. Some work, some do not.
Rhyme is as much dependent on meter as it is on the words chosen.
It's pointless of me to rhyme to you, if when you arrive there your face is blue from all of the air that you've have to go through!!

What I mean is, if you wish to keep the rhyme, you need to bring some kind of metrical structure to this. Otherwise, remove the rhymes that don't work.

On a separate note, I have heard it said before that "I didn't use meter to reinforce the chaos" (or something to that effect). I think that's an escape route from the challenge of writing a consistent meter to be honest. It doesn't reinforce a sense of chaos or confusion, it makes it chaotic and confusing to read. They are very different.

A truly skillful poet might convey those feelings by writing in a consistent meter that draws me in and along and right at the moment I should sense the confusion, they deliberately depart from meter.

Anyway, my opinion only.

Thanks again, t
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