Hi, true, I enjoyed the image here and the breaks are beautiful. There are some weak spots but I think the core is good. Here are a few notes.
(11-30-2013, 05:49 PM)trueenigma Wrote: [ -> ]The grip that holds too tight is not so powerful— this line smelled a bit like "if you love it set it free"not a good start for me
it is the leash that leaves a little slack, then this, beautifully said, sweet rhymes
choke collar and a snack, that keeps control.
A steady diet could never bring me back,
I like the chilli in the can. This box I like the chili, a preference for it over homecooking says a lot about the home
is home. I have a family, and pets,
protect the pups from leering chicken hawks.
I make my annual visits to the vet. This line was off to me, you the dog or the owner of pets? It stopped me,
The leash still trails behind me by the chain
and its medallion, but I can't return. Great image
I've learned humility, and self-restraint,
are two things every dog has right to earn. I really don't get anything from the last two lines, and they don't seem to suit the poem
Read the original thread
here
(12-15-2013, 06:29 AM)Leanne Wrote: [ -> ]Hi, true, I enjoyed the image here and the breaks are beautiful. There are some weak spots but I think the core is good. Here are a few notes.
(11-30-2013, 05:49 PM)trueenigma Wrote: [ -> ]The grip that holds too tight is not so powerful— this line smelled a bit like "if you love it set it free"not a good start for me
it is the leash that leaves a little slack, then this, beautifully said, sweet rhymes
choke collar and a snack, that keeps control.
A steady diet could never bring me back,
I like the chilli in the can. This box I like the chili, a preference for it over homecooking says a lot about the home
is home. I have a family, and pets,
protect the pups from leering chicken hawks.
I make my annual visits to the vet. This line was off to me, you the dog or the owner of pets? It stopped me,
The leash still trails behind me by the chain
and its medallion, but I can't return. Great image
I've learned humility, and self-restraint,
are two things every dog has right to earn. I really don't get anything from the last two lines, and they don't seem to suit the poem
Read the original thread here
Thanks again ellajam. I would like to mention that ellejam took it a step further on this one, and p.m.'ed me a number of helpful suggestions as they came to mind after the fact. Way to go the extra mile!
i read the thread and agree, it's good feedback/critique, something for many of us to aspire too.
well done ellajam
ha, I've been trying to figure out how this ended up here. I think it shows that you don't have to have a whole lot to say to join in and critique. Even if you only have a thought or two about the poem it may prove useful, if not, no harm done.
I know when I edit I consider every single comment, even if it is only about one word or one line. The more critiques posted the clearer it becomes where the weak points are.
I guess I should be critiquing instead of poking around the pig's arse.
poking the pig's arse gives a person the fortitude one needs to critique
