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Full Version: ChristopherSea on "Always Winter" by Todd
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Always Winter
for Jadis

The first flakes were red--not white. Ah, some blood in those veins
before the big chill

Before light, before night, there was interesting enjambment, it works
an everlasting tree.

Before the tree,
if you held a stone
to your ear
it would whisper
of seeds beneath soil--
the buds restless. Would ‘the buds restlessness’ be better?

If you warmed the stone
between your hands,
it would pulse like the heart
of a traitor,

like a blush
on your too-white skin. I would switch these lines, if you can (see below)

Ah, Jadis the white witch! I like your use of stone, as it can serve not just as her heart, but as one of her stoned victims, either way it works as a plea to spark humanity back into this Ice Queen. If you swapped the last two lines, Jadis would go red to white to red again (or the possibility), perhaps better reflecting and tying into the opener. Nice Todd./Chris


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well done chris
We are not doing our jobs here if we are not critiquing others and helping them to improve their poetry! Additionally, I must have feedback on my work to improve as a poet.
I realize this was two years ago, but thanks for the critique Chris. It helped the poem, especially your thoughts on the ending lines.

Very much appreciated,

Todd
(06-18-2015, 09:05 AM)Todd Wrote: [ -> ]I realize this was two years ago, but thanks for the critique Chris. It helped the poem, especially your thoughts on the ending lines.

Very much appreciated,

Todd

I appreciate the spotlight Todd. I may never be able to adequately return the help that you have given me on so many of my poems. Thanks/Chris